Okay, so it's currently 12:40am on my watch. Everybody's sleeping. Well, what I meant was, everybody related to this entry are currently in the state of REM I suppose.
For the past few days, there are certain things that really bother me a lot, and I really mean a lot. There's this friend of mine, who apparently knows a little something about me and my ex-boyfriend, who asked me one question: "Well.. given the chance to do it all again, would you have chosen not to have him in your life? Para wala nalang pain." Without any hesitations, I said no. It was supposed to end there. One question, one answer, done. Yet, after answering his question, I've asked myself, "Why?" I've done some thinking/reflecting/whatever you call it for a moment, and I've realized that perhaps I just loved him that much. The love I've had and I have for him is just so hard to define. It's too deep, too crazy. That even after all the hurt he's brought into my life and after all his broken promises of forever and more, I'd fall in love with him all over again. I still want that special chapter, where we were both happy and inlove, written in my life, although I know the way the story ends. Because even if our story has not been a fairytale-ish one, my love for him is a lot greater than the pain I'm feeling now. I'd risk everything for that moment of bliss to happen once more. But then again, knock-knock to reality, what I'm feeling is nothing if he's not doing his part. I can't do this alone. I mean, fixing this whole mess up. I need him to do his part. Please baby, do your part naman. :( He's got so many reasons, which, if you would guys know, are just so lame. And I just can't figure out why two people who are still inlove with each other can't be together anymore. I don't know what's on his mind, what his plans are, and what's his real say to this set-up of ours. I think we're close to the point of breaking apart, and I so hate to admit it. I can't believe this is happening. It's all just so fast, and I could barely breathe and catch up. Though he tells me that he loves me still, I'd just probably stick to what people say, "Kung gusto, maraming paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan." Get what I mean? Crap. It's as if it's only me who wants to have "us" again. It's only me who has so many ways of fixing this mess, who exerts so much effort just for us to be back in each other's arms again, and the list goes on. Bottom line is, it's only me who obviously has so many ways to solve this problem, and him, who has these so many LAME reasons.
A friend once told me that if I really want our relationship to work, one has to sacrifice, and so I followed him. My ex-boyfriend told me that he doesn't want me to go to our Beach Trip, and of course, as a sacrifice, though I really love the beach and everything related to it, I'll not go, and that I'd rather go to Baguio with our friends and hopefully be with him too so that we could get sometime to talk things over and get this over with. So I told him about it, and what my plans are, and I was really hoping to get a positive feedback from him, like appreciation perhaps, but no, he said things which really did hurt, and a lot more. He also said that he can't go to Baguio for some reasons, only to find out that he has plans on having a 3-day-2-night-beach trip with his HS friends, which apparently includes this girl, who I would usually see with him on various pictures in his friendster, which, thank God, he already deleted. I can't deny the fact that I'm really upset. I don't know why I get so jealous whenever he mentions his HS friends to me. Maybe because I just don't know them personally, and they haven't gained my trust yet. Oh well. I told my ex-boyfriend that I'd be happy if he won't go. Yes, I do sound selfish, but I just can't lie to him by saying that I'm so okay with it. I'd rather appear selfish but honest, than lie and pretend everything's okay with me. I just don't want him to go. That's all. It's not that I'm demanding him to follow me or anything, but I'm just hoping that things will turn out perfectly fine by letting himself analyze the situation more deeply and be able to realize what my point is. I just want to know if I matter to him, if what I say matters to him. Just that. Is it too much to ask? If he's still going, then I guess this is the end of it all. Sad to say, but I really must face reality that he just don't care about my feelings anymore. :(
For the past few days, there are certain things that really bother me a lot, and I really mean a lot. There's this friend of mine, who apparently knows a little something about me and my ex-boyfriend, who asked me one question: "Well.. given the chance to do it all again, would you have chosen not to have him in your life? Para wala nalang pain." Without any hesitations, I said no. It was supposed to end there. One question, one answer, done. Yet, after answering his question, I've asked myself, "Why?" I've done some thinking/reflecting/whatever you call it for a moment, and I've realized that perhaps I just loved him that much. The love I've had and I have for him is just so hard to define. It's too deep, too crazy. That even after all the hurt he's brought into my life and after all his broken promises of forever and more, I'd fall in love with him all over again. I still want that special chapter, where we were both happy and inlove, written in my life, although I know the way the story ends. Because even if our story has not been a fairytale-ish one, my love for him is a lot greater than the pain I'm feeling now. I'd risk everything for that moment of bliss to happen once more. But then again, knock-knock to reality, what I'm feeling is nothing if he's not doing his part. I can't do this alone. I mean, fixing this whole mess up. I need him to do his part. Please baby, do your part naman. :( He's got so many reasons, which, if you would guys know, are just so lame. And I just can't figure out why two people who are still inlove with each other can't be together anymore. I don't know what's on his mind, what his plans are, and what's his real say to this set-up of ours. I think we're close to the point of breaking apart, and I so hate to admit it. I can't believe this is happening. It's all just so fast, and I could barely breathe and catch up. Though he tells me that he loves me still, I'd just probably stick to what people say, "Kung gusto, maraming paraan. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan." Get what I mean? Crap. It's as if it's only me who wants to have "us" again. It's only me who has so many ways of fixing this mess, who exerts so much effort just for us to be back in each other's arms again, and the list goes on. Bottom line is, it's only me who obviously has so many ways to solve this problem, and him, who has these so many LAME reasons.
A friend once told me that if I really want our relationship to work, one has to sacrifice, and so I followed him. My ex-boyfriend told me that he doesn't want me to go to our Beach Trip, and of course, as a sacrifice, though I really love the beach and everything related to it, I'll not go, and that I'd rather go to Baguio with our friends and hopefully be with him too so that we could get sometime to talk things over and get this over with. So I told him about it, and what my plans are, and I was really hoping to get a positive feedback from him, like appreciation perhaps, but no, he said things which really did hurt, and a lot more. He also said that he can't go to Baguio for some reasons, only to find out that he has plans on having a 3-day-2-night-beach trip with his HS friends, which apparently includes this girl, who I would usually see with him on various pictures in his friendster, which, thank God, he already deleted. I can't deny the fact that I'm really upset. I don't know why I get so jealous whenever he mentions his HS friends to me. Maybe because I just don't know them personally, and they haven't gained my trust yet. Oh well. I told my ex-boyfriend that I'd be happy if he won't go. Yes, I do sound selfish, but I just can't lie to him by saying that I'm so okay with it. I'd rather appear selfish but honest, than lie and pretend everything's okay with me. I just don't want him to go. That's all. It's not that I'm demanding him to follow me or anything, but I'm just hoping that things will turn out perfectly fine by letting himself analyze the situation more deeply and be able to realize what my point is. I just want to know if I matter to him, if what I say matters to him. Just that. Is it too much to ask? If he's still going, then I guess this is the end of it all. Sad to say, but I really must face reality that he just don't care about my feelings anymore. :(
For the record, I am really thankful for all those who are doing something for me and my ex-boyfriend to get back together, but I better get this one straight, I JUST WISH THAT YOU GUYS ARE REALLY TRYING TO HELP US, AND ARE NOT DOING SOMETHING TO TEAR US APART. In times like these, I really don't know who my real friends and enemies are. Thanks to this young man, which made me realize that everything is a blur. Just when I thought that this young man [my ex-boyfriend's close friend, and my friend as well] was on my side, well, on the side where karen and chris is still possible for that matter, here he comes, doing something which I personally believe made this problem worse. Well, both of them are still denying it. Don't fool me. I can see the obvious. You've done the same thing with me, can't you remember? Hah. Get a life.
Haay. There's still more. There's this person I've known for almost 4 years already, and I can't deny the fact that I was hurt when that person left me without a trace. No explanations, no communication, no.. everything. Who woundn't? To cut the story short, that person showed up to me once again, said sorry, which I honestly wanted to hear from that person for like 3-4 years ago. I know it's been years already, but having heard that that person's sorry for everything that person has done to me was really something I did appreciate a lot. It sounded so sincere. But I have to caution myself from being close to that person again, for I can no longer have my broken heart be broken so much more. Hah. Just by seeing that person holding his cellphone all the time and texting makes me even more cautious, and not to mention, even more paranoid. I can't handle that.. I abhore infidelity. Hah. As if.
Why can't just everyone be happy? There's always something that interferes. Crap. And if people left you once, why is it that when they come back, and when you're already attached to them again, it's almost the same time that they're about to leave you again. It's a cycle I have to deal with. So sad but true. "PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE."
I know my heart will soon get tired of all these drama. I just don't know when. Only God knows.
+ karen +
posted by superkaren @ 6:20 PM
4 Comments:
At 10:55 PM ,
Anonymous said...
ang sad naman nitong entry na to...
At 2:01 AM ,
Anonymous said...
girlfriend. i have so many things that i wna tell you yet i dont know where to start. haha. let me just read your entry again and write my replies in between.
"his broken promises of forever and more,"
- can i just say that, sa age natin, promises like these, made on such an early stage in one's life [or two's lives for this matter], are most likely meant to be broken. wala lang. napansin ko lang.
"what I'm feeling is nothing if he's not doing his part. I can't do this alone."
- so true gf. and and, i've always believed in that saying or whatever you call that na it's right to fight for your feelings lalo na pag mutual. pag mahal mo, mahal ka din, you should fight for it. but then, naisip ko, if he DOES love me, then how come he's not fighting for me? we really can't do this alone gf. an excuse could be, that you're the one who loves more, but then again, does that necessarily mean that it's you who has to carry the burden of fighting for him. while he's out there, having fun, and not to mention the assurance that he has your heart, you're here, sulking, doing a lot of head-and-heart-achy thinking on how you could fix things. sure, he thinks of you every now and then, and when he does, what he also does is recall the mean and supposedly "painful" things you've done to him. as if naman ikaw lang yung nakasakit. sobrang BS.
"It's as if it's only me who wants to have "us" again."
- i guess you just have to pick all your guts up and ask him what's the deal once and for all, if you really want to put an end to this. SHARING: it's what i'm gonna do gf. that's the plan i have in mind. honestly, the original plan was to go on and agree with our same old set-up. as in balik sa dati since it's what's starting to happen now. but then i thought that if i let that happen, babalik lang ako ng babalik kung nasan man ako ngayon. and i can't let that happen anymore. it's just too much. so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna talk to him, with that girl who's been messing things up, when he gets home. and i'm really gonna make him choose. if he chooses that girl, fine with me then. atleast i have a definite position. it's better than not knowing where to stand. lalayo ako and i won't even bother being friends with him. para sa sarili ko at para na rin hindi na sila magkagulo. if he doesn't choose between us, just like what he always says, i'm gonna leave him din. it's just like admitting na when he said he loves me, it wasn't true kase he couldn't choose me over him. anyways. ayun nga. we better make things clear as soon as possible. let's not waste more time being where we are now. mashado ng madaming oras, effort at lahat lahars? Our top draft picks are consistently on the defensive side of the ball, yet we see the same thing year after year--big plays given up and a defense that cannot dominate when it needs to.
Speaking of draft picks, why hasn't this front office, or whoever is in charge of making draft picks, chosen an offensive lineman worth anything? Ask any coach--pro, college, high school, or pee wee--and he will tell that the key to having a good offense is having a good offensive line. Maybe Romo is the quarterback to go with since he's mobile and can get away from the inevitable rush that our O-line allows.
Having said all of that, the Cowboys are 3-3. It's not over yet. But unless the Cowboys go 4-1 over their next five games, they won't make the playoffs. And that means you say goodbye to the failed Parcells era in Dallas.
rush that our O-line allows.
Having said all of that, the Cowboys are 3-3. It's not over yet. But unless the Cowboys go 4-1 over their next five games, they won't make the playoffs. And that means you say goodbye to the failed Parcells era in Dallas.
At 2:02 AM ,
graceless said...
girlfriend. i have so many things that i wna tell you yet i dont know where to start. haha. let me just read your entry again and write my replies in between.
"his broken promises of forever and more,"
- can i just say that, sa age natin, promises like these, made on such an early stage in one's life [or two's lives for this matter], are most likely meant to be broken. wala lang. napansin ko lang.
"what I'm feeling is nothing if he's not doing his part. I can't do this alone."
- so true gf. and and, i've always believed in that saying or whatever you call that na it's right to fight for your feelings lalo na pag mutual. pag mahal mo, mahal ka din, you should fight for it. but then, naisip ko, if he DOES love me, then how come he's not fighting for me? we really can't do this alone gf. an excuse could be, that you're the one who loves more, but then again, does that necessarily mean that it's you who has to carry the burden of fighting for him. while he's out there, having fun, and not to mention the assurance that he has your heart, you're here, sulking, doing a lot of head-and-heart-achy thinking on how you could fix things. sure, he thinks of you every now and then, and when he does, what he also does is recall the mean and supposedly "painful" things you've done to him. as if naman ikaw lang yung nakasakit. sobrang BS.
"It's as if it's only me who wants to have "us" again."
- i guess you just have to pick all your guts up and ask him what's the deal once and for all, if you really want to put an end to this. SHARING: it's what i'm gonna do gf. that's the plan i have in mind. honestly, the original plan was to go on and agree with our same old set-up. as in balik sa dati since it's what's starting to happen now. but then i thought that if i let that happen, babalik lang ako ng babalik kung nasan man ako ngayon. and i can't let that happen anymore. it's just too much. so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna talk to him, with that girl who's been messing things up, when he gets home. and i'm really gonna make him choose. if he chooses that girl, fine with me then. atleast i have a definite position. it's better than not knowing where to stand. lalayo ako and i won't even bother being friends with him. para sa sarili ko at para na rin hindi na sila magkagulo. if he doesn't choose between us, just like what he always says, i'm gonna leave him din. it's just like admitting na when he said he loves me, it wasn't true kase he couldn't choose me over him. anyways. ayun nga. we better make things clear as soon as possible. let's not waste more time being where we are now. mashado ng madaming oras, effort at lahat lahat na nasayang. pati friends ko i gave up for him. even my bestfriend and my high school friends. sobrang mali. as in maling-mali. pinagdududahan ko din sila dati. were they really trying to help or what? i just realized one day na shit, sobrang what has he done to me? friends ko to, i've known them even before i knew him. bakit ko sila pinag-iisipan ng masama? sobrang hindi na maganda naging epekto nya sa'ken.
"Why can't just everyone be happy?"
- we will be gf. and tama ka, only God knows when. we don't know if it will take years, but it might. so we just have to be prepared. yung iba after 3 years saka pa lang nakaka-move on. yung iba naman, within a month okay na. we can never really tell. and i guess only God knows when. and how. maybe what we should do now is to put full trust in Him, plus, make clear to yourself what you really want to happen. gusto mo pa ba? then fight for him. but make sure na kakayanin mo WHATEVER comes into your way. kung ayaw mo na, then stop. do every thing that you can para maka-move on. bottom line is, what's important is kung san ka talaga magiging masaya.
if you're asking kung ano na gusto kong mangyari sa'kin, i have no idea yet. haha. sabay ganon. aside sa gusto ko ng maging happy shempre, di ko pa alam. but after that talk that we're gonna have with that girl, i'm sure i'm gonna finally have a decision. and i can't wait for it. i'm prepared no matter what decision he makes. i guess i'll know what to do next after this comes to a closure.
grabe, i've written an entire blog entry sa comments mo. HAHA. im so sorry gf! i loove you and i will always be praying for you.
At 2:03 AM ,
graceless said...
nag flood pa! haha im so sorry!
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